WedTips (Every Wednesday, I offer tips on understanding and dealing with formands who are victims/survivors of emotional abuses. I focus on emotional abuse since all the other forms of abuses like physical and sexual have been discussed thoroughly in various formation workshops, but also, the other forms of abuses have strong, pervasive emotional component)
When Becca was 12 she went to her father and said "I feel like crying...." She wanted and needed to be comforted. She needed reassurance and wanted to know she would be accepted by her father, even when she not happy and smiling. Her father said uncaringly, "Well go cry then."
When she needed comfort, acceptance and reassurance, she got rejection. Her emotional needs were denied.
- Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
- The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
- The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
- Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
- When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
- Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
- Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
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