Abuses in the convents (part 1)

This might be a harsh, drastic statement but I have observed that formands who have been victims of emotional abuses as a child, bring out the abuser in the formator.

O course, most of these happen unintentionally or even unconsciously. It is not a question of motives. It is a matter of vigilance.

The logic behind this is that victims of emotional abuses usually create the environment for them to be abuses, and provide the reasons or cause for receiving an abusive treatment.

Such as:

On one hand, most abuse victims have developed conformity/obedience as a coping mechanism, without listening to their own will and their own desires. Authority is foremost a fearsome figure. Thus they are the archetypal obedient formands, a behavior that is usually affirmed by formators through giving them more responsibilities. In the process, precipitating the abusive experience.

On the other end of the pole, some abuse victims have become arrogant or aggressive as defense mechanism. Thus, they irritate formators, stretch their patience to the point where formators shout, insult or berate them. Again, replaying the drama of the abuse.

How to be vigilant about this?

next week!

WedTips: Emotional Abuse No 5: DENYING

WedTips

(Every Wednesday, I offer tips on understanding and dealing with formands who are victims/survivors of emotional abuses. I focus on emotional abuse since all the other forms of abuses like physical and sexual have been discussed thoroughly in various formation workshops, but also, the other forms of abuses have strong, pervasive emotional component)

Emotional Abuse 5:

Denying

When Becca was 12 she went to her father and said "I feel like crying...." She wanted and needed to be comforted. She needed reassurance and wanted to know she would be accepted by her father, even when she not happy and smiling. Her father said uncaringly, "Well go cry then."

When she needed comfort, acceptance and reassurance, she got rejection. Her emotional needs were denied.

• Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating
  

• The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.

• The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

• Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

• When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

• Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

• Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Source: www.eqi.org

Wedtips: Emotional Abuse No 4

WedTips

(Every Wednesday, I offer tips on understanding and dealing with formands who are victims/survivors of emotional abuses. I focus on emotional abuse since all the other forms of abuses like physical and sexual have been discussed thoroughly in various formation workshops, but also, the other forms of abuses have strong, pervasive emotional component)

Emotional Abuse 4:

Constant Chaos

• The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.

• The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.

Patricia may not be aware of it but her mother is addicted to dramatic situations. She turned simple situations into scripted dialogues that included shouting matches and crying incidents. Patricia felt her own feelings were not honored since she felt forced to be part of her mother's dramatic moments. She is an abuse victim.



Source: www.eqi.org