Understanding Emotionally Abused Persons

This list is from the work of Janet Geringer Woititz. She did her original work on adult children of alcoholics, but I believe her findings can be generalized to people who were emotionally abused in general. Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally abused.

a. Can only guess at what healthy behavior is.

b. Have trouble completing things

c. Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. (She explains that perhaps the child learned from parents who lied to cover up problems or avoid conflict. Or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer appropriate.)

d. Judge themselves without mercy.

e. Have trouble accepting compliments.

f. Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes. Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others.

g. Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.

h. Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.

i. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.

j. Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)

k. Over-react to things beyond their control.

l. Constantly seek approval & affirmation.

m. Feel different from others.

n. Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.

o. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

p. Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)


She also makes this observation:
Intelligent people, through their ability to analyze, often realize things which are disconcerting, which others would not see. They also are often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy.